…so what happened was…

martie 8, 2011

no, you’re not getting the break-up story here, sorry. it’s a one-on-one exclusive. i know it’s me – carmen (eyeroll) – so i’m supposed to be blabbing about the sacredest stuff, mais quand même! instead i can tell you about the funny things that happened after.

i am trying to get the things right this time. (and because of this, i’m sometimes remembering all the other times or non-times with rage. so many wasted years because of no closure.) it’s still incredible for me how guilty i feel of my own unhappiness, to the extent where i feel compelled to report it to the entire world. after 2 weeks, it reached facebook status status. so things can only calm down from here on.

but i did the right things, and the cliche things. i talked to friends who are chat/skype/phone-accessible, i asked for and received good advice. that helped, just being fascinated again by how complex relationship things are. i am still acting a bit detached, as if it’s an experiment in recovery.

i drank a bottle of wine alone in the dark one night, ate a whole icecream container another night (ah, while watching ‘american idol’, forgot to mention). the only thing i didn’t feel like doing much was buying stuff. or getting out of the house. which is also not entirely abnormal if you consider my paycheck or the weather lately. so the official version is that i’m…dealing with it.

now about this dealing: i just want to know when it’s going to be over. i want to make a list, a plan of action, to set deadlines. i mean that is what i did. i was so feverish and irritated the first 2-3 days after: waste of time, i kept mumbling to myself. this is what these days/weeks/months are.

they say i have to say hi to the cute guy at the bus stop. butt into someone’s peaceful reading at the library. attend social events. activate my network. yeah, when it feels alright to do that, i will. i don’t think i’m passing up opportunities that were designed for me. i don’t want to be desperate. i want to be ok on my own.

there was a suicide on the metro line last week – i wasn’t on the metro that hit the person, but my roommate was. she was pretty shaken. i was just annoyed about the metro being blocked, although when you hear „un accident sur la ligne orange cause une interruption de service” as opposed to ralentissement du service, you kind of know what it means. but i didn’t let myself think of it until cynthia told me.

and it’s the cold, the too-late cold that gets into the bones to the core.

also, i returned home last night and because it was freezing indoors and sinister i was planning to cook with the radio on. i looked for my headphones to hook up my cellphone and i realized that d. had taken them by mistake and left his own, which i have no use for. i can’t explain better, but the impossibility of playing top40 music and hearing distinct québécois voices RIGHT THAT INSTANT was a pretty big hit to my mood. the silence was so creepy and absurd – then i realized why. cynthia’s perruche was dead, stiff on the bottom of his cage.

we don’t know how he died. sudden heart attack is one version. i panicked a bit and called cyn…then i packed the body and took it out. somehow i fell asleep reading feministe. in the morning the snow was covering a quarter of my tall window, and kept coming down with the blizzard. i sat down at the table with coffee in the birdless livingroom. 7 am. and i had a good cry.

now it`s all going to be better.

love is in the air

februarie 14, 2011

this pretty song was playing in a boutique in my neighbourhood where i stop frequently to visit the dresses i can`t afford. consequently, this is all that`s in my head today.

it`s still snowing i think (it did the whole day, but at some point it`s supposed to turn into rain). i have pineapple crumble in the oven, i`m just saying it because it sounds good. i won`t tell you how it tasted. and i`m reading julian barnes!!! after years and years and years i dared get close to `arthur and george`- and guess what, it`s good. well in the quaint and well-raised julian barnes way, but i`m pleased.

so i visited the old-skool-craft-fair for st. valentin`s today, & st urbain and st viateur. smaller than i had thought (duh, it was in the basement of the big church). lovely things that were too expensive for me:  various cards and prints with/of montreal places; felt flower necklaces and hairbands (sonia z., you could so start a business!!); knit jewelry, i.e. mostly hairpins and brooches. i was looking for a toy-rabbit but i see there`s not much chance of finding one in good time. anyway, i bought a small button – a sketch of 2 ppl in cosmonaut gear, embraced/kissing while floating in space (huh there are specks i`m assuming are stars), with cute oxygen tanks and all. yeah count on me to overlap the romantic meaning of a phrase with a literal cynical or whatever reading of it.

anything is a metaphor for my love life. also i can`t wait to have a dog: i`m naming him cosmos.

ok, books:

decembrie 31, 2010

this is the last post this year. verrry rushed. just because i used to do it, and i don`t want to really stop. books i read this year, which meant something to me. huh there aren`t many, so i should be done in time to not be late for work (also: i have a cake in the oven. literally, alright)

– linda svendsen, `marine life`.

– agota kristof, `le grand cahier` (i read this in french. it`s an awesome book to get started into french with.)

– sherman alexie: i`m on a roll of reading everything i can find by him, with highs and lows.

– joyce maynard – `at home in the world`- talking about non-fiction. i don`t even know whether liking the book means i`m taking her side. it`s just one of those things that get to me, and make me think of more stuff.

– lorrie moore – `a gate at the stairs` – i was taken by this book in a totally inexplicable way. i realize i should probably have hated it all: the vagueness, the pretension, the persistence of things-that-have-nothing-to-do with me as topics (see what a sophisticated reader i am or have become), but no: i loved it. it pushed a button, it touched something in me, and i`m a bit pissed i haven`t yet figured out how that works.

– gary shteyngart – `absurdistan` – so annoying at times, so funny and etc, laughing-crying – relating at others.

– aleksandar hemon – `love and obstacles`. i`ve kind of decided now that i want to be a. hemon when i grow up. yes it has to do with the eastern european perspective, why do you ask?

and then, there are some blogs i loved. two of my favourites of this autumn/winter:


i.e. sady doyle, to whose level of feminism i aspire.


i.e. tavi gevinson, who writes about fashion-from-salvation-army, with pictures – and is 14. she would hate that her age is once again mentioned as focus, but okay. i`m in a hurry.

my cake is done. it`s too sweet, and i still burned the bottom a bit.

the complaints choir of our household

iunie 14, 2010

on the approximate model of complaints choirs, but obvs without an actual melody, so sorry. i was just missing making silly rhymes.


a rainy monday morning can spoil the whole week

my perruche keeps screaming while i’m  trying to sleep

my roommate makes the coffee too weak (too strong)

whatever can go wrong today probably will  [i think this is the chorus, or can serve as such]


the landlords are trying to sell our place

the quiche takes two hours to bake, it’s a disgrace

my umbrella is too big to open in the street

we’ve got too many projects, but nothing concrete


i drink just one beer then i act like i’m high

seeing a hockey stick  still makes me cry

all the date squares got stuck to the pan

i always get sunburnt but don’t get a tan


my french class is useless, my job is a joke

the month’s barely started and my phone bill left me broke

the grocery has fancy chocolate i can’t afford to buy

hot chicks always go out with ugly short guys


my dream was so awesome, why did i wake up

i’m always afraid to look at price tags for stuff

i wish my period would just come and go away

my roommate talks even when she’s got nothing to say


my bones ache like hell, i feel 50 years old

i can’t show off my cute dress without catching a cold

i keep keeping myself away from my goals

why do guys ask for my number if then they don’t call?


time goes by so fast we’re doing things but still

whatever can go wrong today probably will

the state of cynthia’s kitchen

aprilie 25, 2010

uh-uh. carmen cooking. and cynthia cooking too, except the latter is normal.

we’ve designed saturday morning/afternoon (bf i leave for work) as cooking time – a theoretically pretty smart idea, which i would hate to jinx. each time we have to have a recipe for a ~fancy salad picked up (or a fancy one and a very simple one, i.e. lettuce+celery+…olives or whatever) plus one for a ‘serious’ meal.

so far this month i made: eggplant salad (i put green pepper in it so it came out extra green; and i did cut down on the salt and did the onion very very small, but i’m still not getting smth right taste-wise hmmm). mushroom stew with polenta (yay complete success this time). and a fancy salad, with broccoli, tofu and a peanut butter+ cream dressing. aand yesterday i made stuffed peppers with sweet tomato sauce, my grandma’s recipe combined with one i found online (for which stupidly i mixed too much meat and too little rice. i mean it’s good, but not what i’d envisioned. put it down to experience.)

also baking in the oven yay. we baked salmon in aluminium foil. then cyn got brave enough last week to attempt cooking a whole chicken. again, complete success. also : i was whining as per usual about how muffins are the devil – which bizzarely inspired cyn to actually buy a muffin tray!!! so this week we went through two batches of muffins, and ok they’re made with quinoa flakes and stuff but stilllll. i need to keep being able to fit into clothes for god’s sake.

not that we didn’t go on a straight-from-the-store sweet-tooth spree midweek (i think we were both a bit down) i.e. chocolate almonds and chocolate spread. but on friday night we celebrated non-watching the hockey game with salads! so yea, living with someone who cooks is a mixed bag. of goodies, though.