or: „a crazy person with a pink paint can at midnight”
i tried to catch up on sleep time today, so i woke up all woozy from a nap around 10 pm. i go to the kitchen and melanie says, it’s chinese new year! the dragon is coming! we should celebrate! and she gets more and more into it: but this place is a mess! our entrance is all blocked, that’s bad luck! we should sweep and mop and take our shoes from there! we should put something red on this wall, for good luck and money etc. to which i’m like ok, i have some balloons! so i start blowing up balloons. melanie mops the hallway, i sweep, then she brings out the can of red paint we’d had left from painting in summer. ha! she mixes it with white, so the result is a…peachy pinkish smth. i’m sure it has a name. the initial idea was to do red stripes on our entrance walls, like columns…in the end, by midnight, we have two thick pink stripes, and assorted balloons. i think the dragon came, took a look, and started tearing his hair out. good times all around.
or: „a crazy person with a pink paint can at midnight”
i found this song in a ’11 retrospective playlist (of course) less than one week ago, and am still playing it obsessively. i am so excited every time i actually start giggling nervously at the ringtone (see/hear below). i even had a discussion session w my roomie to try and figure out why this particular song has gotten to me so strong and quick – i am ashamed a bit when this happens: with people, with stuff…she just says, well, it’s a good song with a good video…there are lesbians in it…and masks – of course you like it.
then this morning i got it: this song is literally (i still don’t have a lyrics transcription but they’re easy to hear. especially if you are bilingual) about depression/procrastination. it speaks to me clearly every morning as i gather myself up to get out of bed and at the same time collapse under theguilt of finding everything/anything too hard or senseless to do. it takes good rhythm to get through to my apathy, it takes a breezy sound. i liked that the first direct message was that of lust. i liked the french insert, and the rapping. but in the end what i get out of it is me telling myself „gonna bust it out/ gonna work it out”. the voice of a different me trying to get back to me, blah. i could write a 10 page paper about it but i think i’ve made my point.
two days ago, drinking red wine in bed and twirling my dirty hair, i had the same hazy realization I KNOW i’ve had before: that subconsciously i am aware that things are fine, which is why i’m allowing myself to liminally wallow in this light pool of despair. except when i try to grasp it, it slips away, so in my day to day from a point on i sigh, put one foot after the other out of bed and start doing my minimum. here:
a quote to convince you to read „the rehearsal”, by eleanor catton:
(or maybe just read the book, even in spite of the quote):
” But at the same time, the feeling is shot through with a kind of sadness,[…]a bittersweet and throaty sadness that sits heavy in my gullet and i can’t swallow it down. it’s like i know that i am losing something; that something is seeping away, like water into dust. and it’s a weird idea, the idea that loss – the massive snatching tearing hunger of loss – is something that doesn’t start when a relationship ends, when she melts away and disappears and i know that i can never get her back. it’s a feeling that starts at the very beginning, from the moment we collide in the dark and we touch for the very first time. the innocence of it – the sweetness and purity of it, the shy and halting tenderness of it – that is something that i am only ever going to lose.”
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Publicat de girlinbubble
To : Ministry of Immigration and Cultural Communities of Québec
In response to your email following my application for a Certificate of Selection by Québec, I do have a few new pieces of information concerning my current situation here as temporary resident. I hope they will contribute to a favourable view of my case.
1. My previous roommate left Canada and as such left me in full possesion of various pieces of furniture, kitchen implements, clothing items and a number of house plants, some of which might be said to have attained tree status (see attached photos).
2. My current roommate is designing me as `owner` of our live house pets (fish) – (photo attached)
3. As a new signer of a lease, I opened an account with Hydro Quebec, for which I had to pay 50$ (see copy of receipt).
4. I have entered a form of verbal agreement with the salesman in the shoe shop at Rachel corner St. Denis, that signifies my desire and intention to purchase a pair of black leather winter boots (value 200$, reduced from 350$) upon receiving my next paycheck (I wish I could attach a photo, or transcript of conversation, but, alas.).
As result of above mentioned events, I am becoming increasingly aware of the weight of responsibility I am taking on, as a caretaker for Québec-based live beings and as an investing participant in Québec economy. I consider that my actions speak clearly of my awareness and acceptance of the high taxes and tough winters so specific to Québec – and, moreover, of a willingness to surround myself with the elements required by a steady, `settled` lifestyle here. I hope your final decision goes in agreement with my current spendings.
As a sidenote, based on previous personal experiences and lessons learned thereby, I can also promise in all clear conscience to not date anglophones, or at least non-French speakers, ever again for as long as I live here – consequently, my future children will be at least trilingual, with French their solid daily used second language.
Vive le Quebec!
Yours truly ___
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1. ‘eastern nest’
(eating sunflower seeds on the back balcony):
c: this is very eastern. why don’t canadians eat sunflower seeds?
m: we are very eastern, look in our fridge: balkan yogurt, russian jam, homemade armenian chicken…
c: i know! look at our house: crap all over the place, dripping pipes, bathroom ceiling falling in…
2.centipedes (because of the bathroom flooding, my no.1 fear was that we’d attract centipedes, since they love humidity. m. argues that one has to face their fears and get information on them)
m (on the phone with her friend): can you please call back in 5 minutes? my roommate and i are googling pictures of centipedes!
3. construction workers
3.1. m (wearing white bloomer-like shorts with a rose pattern): so i went to ask the workers for a hammer. i hope i didn`t look like those ditzy girls you know, ‘sorry guys, can i have a hammer pleeeease?’
c: were you wearing pants?
m: oops. oh my god.
3. 2. construction worker, looking at the dripping pipe in our kitchen – all of a sudden: t’as tu déjà fait l`amour à un voyou?
c: (bursts out laughing)
c: is this for real?
m (sitting at kitchen table): oh, you understood what he said? i was like, oh god, i hope carmen doesn`t understand that.
construction worker: (grinning)
3.3. c: you know we`re gonna miss the workers when they`re gone.
m: yes, they keep us company with their noises, and make us feel safe. they`re like our eight big brothers…
m: …badass brothers!
4. fish (veiltail/fantail goldfish – melanie had one, freddie, and we just got a baby, sasha)
aquarium is covered with a blanket
c: why did you cover the aquarium?
m: to isolate them – they must be so stressed, with all the changes and the mess around here.
c: and you think they`re not freaking out when you lift the blanket all of a sudden and stare at them?
m: i was trying to just take a quick discreet look.
m: oooh, they`re socializing! they`re touching!
c: very nice – you put the light off and they immediately start touching.
m: maybe…yes, if they get together, they`ll lay eggs! so we`ll have caviar!!
m: but that wouldn`t be right, sasha is still a child!
5. chinese astrology (you do not even want to know!!)
c: wow, you know what i just thought? the fish`s chinese sign is the cat!
m: ow, cutie!
i really don’t know what to say. days are adventurous, full of paint (hopefully it`s over now) and of sunshine and what else? russian, and entertaining books and eating random stuff and talking a lot. it`s like holiday camp a bit, but we should get down to achieving stuff. i`m really relieved that i painted my room, 2 white walls and it completely changes the vibe to the place. i`m too excited to sleep early – or maybe this is what summer is supposed to be like.
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melanie biked, right before midnight, to a grocery store, to get me a SURPRISE lemon cake and mini candles. there is always the sort of stuff i expect (messages from all my friends! if one of you doesn`t write i`ll notice. not holding it against you, just notice. my parents parading bunches of flowers in front of me on videochat…) and the sort i don`t expect and makes me weepy. it`s good to have the unexpected happen this year too…i don`t know, it makes me feel i deserve good things?!
i wanted to do nothing of what i`d done last year, so i ended up doing nothing. not going out. not cooking (i still owe the world a shortbread project), not painting my nails. i wore the new `present to myself`shoes to work, with the princess dress, and the hair coiled on top of my head!!! yes – it`s so long. the day wasn`t busy at work, so i relaxed. i didn`t want people singing to me and all that, but i got my chocolate mousse on a tray with stuff written in syrup. and i read my russian: my daily lesson (by pure accident) was `happy birthday!`
and today/over the weekend i’m still buying „the things” – and reporting on them later. i’m excited!!