feeling good

mai 26, 2009

because it’s sunny, which is all i need to get by, and because i’m obviously way more focused on adam lambert’s career than on my own these days. because, duh. but ok, let’s try again.

i’m 16, so i think adam is awesome. but hah, officially i’m older than he is (and bit ashamed of that) so i’m gonna want to rationalize. and apart from the reality show/competition/ ‘american’ factors, and apart from the whole gay brouhaha, which i think is way inflated – it’s there alright, but everyone’s exaggerating – what got me interested in him is the ‘feeling good’ thing.

i love adam because he’s all i am not. maybe. but the idea of just doing your best, putting on a show, knowing what you’re doing and what you’re after the whole time – being open, pretty funny, friendly, non-angsty AND drawing a clear, professional line btw your personal life and performance. gotta love him.

i was always rooting for him, but in a non-involved way. the spark happened the finale night when he said he was happy for kris, that all that had mattered to him was to be on the show as much as poss. and it made sense. and i believed him, i believed there was no hypocrisy there, no fake-rationalization on his part. ok, i’m 16. but the lesson stands. I KNOW it’s common-sense to just do your best. some people just are superstars because they make the common-sense look/feel like an insight, and everything seem easy.

and, it’s trite to say ‘i’m inspired’, but i am, inspired, by him. whatever works, i guess:)


mai 22, 2009

my change

mai 22, 2009

‘american idol’: me – huge , obvious adam lambert fan. (sucker for confidence and drama. and for fuckin talent.) so today i’m sad, which i could have told you before. even if i know it doesn’t mean much. but now i freakin have to WAIT (oh noez) for him to get a record out and be successful QUICK please! when otherwise i would’ve been satisfied with a 1st place ribbon.

also: he got to sing „my change is gonna come”. best moment of the night.

cold cold cold

mai 22, 2009

i’ve always thought writing would be easy, especially since i do want to say things. but there’s the lack of clear things to say. there’s the questioning of reasons why. and more and more lately there’s been a sense that – esp. from this distance – i need to provide more information than…ya know, feeling. because, who cares i’m depressed or lost? exactly. since it’s obvious, why bother detailing it on page over page over page. i want the fun and interesting part back. and it’s not here.

and don’t get me wrong, i am writing a bit of the other non-bloggy stuff. just that i don’t want to talk about myself right now. i just want to be gone. then i thought traveling always is a prompt for epic blog posts, moving to another city ditto. so there we go. i’m going to blog when other obvious things beside my brooding and shivering are going to happen.

it started okay with vancouver…these days i’m trying to figure out if anything even went wrong, or was it that we never, hah, warmed up to one another? everything would be so much easier if i HAD to live here. i’m sure i would try more. there’s half a year left. half a year is an immensity. there are so many things i could do.

( i don’t care who you are but if you’re reading this: there are so many things you could be doing RIGHT NOW instead of reading this.)

i’ve told myself i’d wait for spring. for good weather. for end of school. it goes on and on and on. but somehow at the same time, and here’s the real rub, i simply don’t care, because i’ve always had the luxury to do the only things i cared about: read, write, listen to music and walk. when i care enough, i’ll move. when something’s important enough, i’ll know. so no losses, no worries.

‘slow man’, by coetzee (i am annoyed, but strung along): elizabeth costello (you’ll hear more about her, maybe) asks the ‘hero’, paul rayment, if he’s found his true home. << he shrugs: „i have always found it a very english concept, home. hearth and home, say the english. to them, home is the place where the fire burns in the hearth, where you come to warm yourself. the one place where you will not be left out in the cold. no, i am not warm here.[…]among the french to be at home is to be among yourselves, among our kind[…]i am not the ‘we’ of anyone.„>>

people write fiction: so they can express brilliant things like the above through action and conflict between characters. to make the fuzziness clearer and coherent, to illuminate the insights. but this is totally not why people write blogs. it took me one year, and i saw it accidentally. i can’t unsee it now.

blogs are for: political and social activism, fashion and style, ongoing projects of any kind. blogs are for updates on activities. by forcing me and you to look at my life as ongoing project i’m actually damaging myself, a little. well, part of learning that outgrowing my diary doesn’t mean posting notes on the interwebs instead of in my little black book.

(i was going to say something about twitter as well, why i can’t do it. it takes irony to tweet, and i don’t have enough of it. it takes a confidence in the relevance of anything, if said with the appropriate panache. no. i cannot turn my buttons, my island trips, my halibut burger and my playlist into notable events. i will try again in a little while.)

i will try blogging too. but tonight here’s a lull for you:

life could be like this

mai 12, 2009

– wfuv.org – alternate side (from yael).


new songs on rotation, so after 4 days i already know some of them, but they’re good, and it all sounds so new and awesome, and it’s so easy to make me happy. really.

– finally, a free weekend day (sunday). it shouldn’t be such a big deal, i mean every day is just 5 hrs. work, and then a sprawling of obscenely spare time. but it was a big deal. at 8:30 i went into ‘cuppa joe’and read a globe&mail at the window, in the sun. so different. this week, i’ll have a sunday+monday free – victoria day – and i don’t mind it one bit.

– the sun. sometimes. it’s mid-may, alright? and still cold. and rainy. but then sometimes, like an afterthought, it gets sunny for a couple of minutes, just enough to keep me hoping. (the asshole boyfriend comparison, once it’s sprung to mind, will never go away 😦 )

– reading „the world is what it is” – v.s. naipaul’s biography. i want to keep reading but i want to not finish it, so i’ve been clinging to the last freaking pages, but i think it’s time to let go :). there will be other good books :). except, maybe i see people’s point about non-fiction, i.e. „this is real, this really happened.” extra reasons to be totally entrapped in the book: the immigrant status; how someone becomes a writer; how relationships are shaped by the fact that one of the partners is a big writer and probably necessarily a big asshole.

(more and more i feel it’s a choice between family/balance and writing. especially for a woman. i’m not saying it’s fair. i’m probably saying if i keep writing i’ll be alone. how did this core of bitter creep into my lovely nicey post? i’m saying one has to believe in what one does if that thing, and that person, are to stand a chance. not be equally diffident and apologetic about it, which is what i am at the moment. naipaul says : „the world is what it is; men who are nothing, who allow themselves to become nothing, have no place in it.” and somehow i want to both gloss over and point to the blatant – but oh so natural in his time/circumstances – use of the word „men”.)

– one-day trip to s & k’s „land” on the island, finally. awesome boat ride, views, deer and seals, coating logs, and the pretty solid feeling, for an afternoon, that, yes, these things can be reached, ‘life could be like this’. yes, and then it rained.

three weeks to go!

mai 7, 2009

prelude to montreal is postscript to limbo

mai 7, 2009

this is the story of how i first heard of a band called „of montreal”, late 2007. well it’s not much of a story, and some of you already know it. they were playing in a club in athens, georgia, one night end of october. someone told me about that. i obviously looked the band up, right? back then i was planning to visit montreal as soon as school was over, i.e. dec. 07.

why montreal, back then? it was a place to go. mostly it was about leonard cohen if i well remember.obviously. but then, all of a sudden,

„of montreal[2] is an American indie pop band formed in Athens, Georgia. Fronted by Kevin Barnes, it was among the second wave of groups to emerge from The Elephant 6 Recording Company.The band was created by Kevin Barnes and named after a failed romance with a woman from Montreal, though the story changes in various interviews” (wiki)

as much as people (sonja) don’t like to accept it as a serious reason, THAT is the main reason for people to get excited and make things. well one of the main ones anyway. isn’t it??

alright, off to a good start: we’ve got a sad ages old infatuation with an old man, plus a pathetic online stalkerish interest in a band named after the place of a failed romance. what could NOT work in the relationship between montreal and me?

as for how i personally feel about „of montreal”, the band: hmmm, i like the music but don’t love it. i think they have some of the best titles of songs ever („the past is a grotesque animal” et co.), i love their official videos almost with no exception, i think kevin barnes is obviously crazy, which is good because it gives you/me the option of not taking him seriously ever, while at the same time listening and possibly enjoying whatever you/i can out of that cocktail of madness.

which sort of defines life right now, through my vaselined lenses. wait:

love, c

blog clog*

mai 7, 2009

so, um, hi people.

it really doesn’t matter why this 1 and a half months discontinuation occurred. but i’ll try to tell you anyway. alright, so: it was fucking cold. when it wasn’t supposed to be. ok? and it still is, and it’s raining, but now i’m kind of bored, so i thought ok, i’ll start this over.

aaaah, why am i bored? for one, i finished the ‘thing’. thesis. please rush to congratulate me when i have the money and heritage house, not before. so now that that’s done, and i have the receipt saying so, i’ve been not writing for days. and not stressing about it either, which was really where the time went.

for another…mhm, aspect, i’ve been a bit emotionally confused. nothing more than what spring does to you normally; only in this case it’s damp canadian spring, reeking of pot and pink blossom. tiring and not really real. it’s good that i can sit up in bed for whole afternoons, reading fat bios of nobel-prized writers. or wander through endless facebook threads, or tweets, a slightly disbelieving lurker. but i think i’m ready for warmth.

*h/t to sonja