good riddance february

februarie 27, 2009

i sleep all the time and don’t do much else, so ef asked if i’m depressed and matt recommended zoloft. on the serious side (i’m reading mavis gallant, is that serious enough? amazing for how long one can postpone EVER making a decision or a move) i had this dream:

i talk to someone about my book and they say it might be longlisted for…some prize…and we walk up on a path (this happens in escu, duh, like most things in my dreams) in the dark, uncorking champagne. we’re about to go catch a…i think it’s a ship. and then someone else passes by (is it my grandma? because it’s right behind our house) and i’m caught with my champagne cup in my hand, so all i can think of is throw it in the stream…cause right then i notice the stream has totally flooded the ditch and the nearby field…but the water is crystal-clear, so my cup flies in a perfect arc through the air and i see it going down and sinking to the bottom.

the second part is about how i move to red hook and matt and i have to chaperone a six-year-old girl in whose house i somehow live for free. i can totally see where all these strands of dream come from, don’t you think  i’m duped. anyway. everything feels pretty heavy right now for me. the spring had better be damn spectacular, and come…yesterday. also, i have to write 2 pieces and …read?!?! way too soon for my convenience.avalanches.

going back would be easiest. really.


februarie 22, 2009

lari – i am doing it now. my playlist is antiquated and thin, but, yeah.

  1. Put your music player on shuffle.
  2. Press forward for each question.
  3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
  4. Tag 5 people. (i’m sorry, i hate tagging. mostly when i try to do it, no one takes it up. consider yourselves invited.)
  5. Give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

1. How are you feeling today?

cassandra wilson – crazy love (i know what the title says, but it’s a sweet calm song)

2. Will you get far in life?

evanescence – my immortal (not conclusive; if it’s y/n, i’d say this is not far)

3. How do your friends see you?

john martyn – you don’t know what love is (wow, fun!)

4. Will you get married?

(why is this a question in this quiz??) rolling stones – like a rolling stone (hahahahaha; this practically made my day: do you want to make a deal? how does it feel?)

5. What is your best friend’s theme?

leonard cohen – hey that’s no way to say goodbye (i am smiling at this too)

6. What is the story of your life?

bob marley&lauryn hill – turn your lights down low (oh i fuckin’ wish – except if it’s „but it seems i was never on time”)

7. What was high school like?

diana krall – boulevard of broken dreams (nah, it was not so bad)

8. How can you get ahead in life?

coltrane/hartman – lush life (oh no my friend, this is not the way; this is exactly the opposite of the way)

9. What is the best thing about your friends?

tori amos – secret spell (i don’t want to dissect the message – that was the first temptation – but what a playful-sounding song from tori! so that’s good.)

10. What is in store for this weekend?

billie holiday – good morning heartache (hahaha, that’s just the kind of songs i have on my playlist! which some people would say is telling in itself???)

11. What song describes you?

fiona apple – please send me someone to love (blush; this is not even ef’s fault – she filled my playlist – it’s my fault for keeping said playlist)

12. To describe your grandparents?

choose life – pf project &ewan mcgregor (poor my grandparents, with a scottish accent. if you take the content literally, maybe.)

13. How is your life going?

faithless & nina simone – i want more (no really?!)

14. What song will they play at your funeral?

nine inch nails- hurt (noooo, i want the johnny cash version!!)

15. How does the world see you?

the song is called „istikhbar”, so there. something pretty exotic? plaintive?

16. Will you have a happy life?

lamb – stronger (hmmmm)

17. Do people secretly lust after you?

darkbkueworld – shit happens (:)))

18. How can I make myself happy?

nine inch nails – every day is exactly the same (this strangely makes some sense; am reading ‘independence day’ now – well not happiness, no; but an existence)

19. What should you do with your life?

blondie – one way or another (no comment)


februarie 21, 2009

this is a post dedicated solely to sending you guys to catinca untaru’s blog, so you can see for yourselves how amazing she is. oscar-worthy, d’oh. there are small clips from the film there, enjoy!

dream away (free day:))

februarie 20, 2009

carmen’s ideal world, step by step & calloused hand by calloused hand etc.:

rahm emanuel for VP 2012 and prez 2016 – i’ve got to stop kidding about this, though; i probably wouldn’t trust him with the very top position on anything, aaand as chief of staff i’m presuming he’s doing more maneuvering than he’d be able to as VP. back to serious matters:

london blackmarket as future „arctic monkeys”: really, guys, how is this not the most brilliant band of the year???? so i’m hoping they get fucking discovered and get their own wiki page and their own slot on, because it is a shame!!!! here:

actually i started this post just so i can say „london blackmarket are the rahm emanuel of indie music” – hmmm, that would be a scrawny rahm of the ’93 clinton white house, but whatever. anyway,since i’m here, i would like to extend good wishes onto the following issues:

philip hensher deserves a booker! i do not care for which book they give it to him, all i want is to see ‘pleasured’ printed and selling in north america. damn idiots.

in my ideal world, i make my debut with a book of short stories, since the novel is already compromised. so, right now, about 4 good short stories (the best of the collection) should find favourable grounds and spring up in my pressure, i can finish them in like, one year, but i would like the seeds now, please.

as an outcome of the global warming threat, montreal weather should get milder, on both the wintery side and the summer one.ok, it makes no sense – only the winters then.

some very charitable person with lots of money to spare should be impressed with some sort of skills that i’ve got (???) and offer me a job that would exploit said skills. god, i’m not even kidding.

** shoot, i just wikipedia-ed hensher, and it is his birthday today!!! well damn! also, i have an uneasy feeling that i should try to not swear so much in writing.

***PEOPLE!!! this is in the evening, after watching an amazing movie, and god will punish me if i don’t add this to my wish list: catinca untaru, the most fantastic kid-actor in the world (sorry, dakota), romanian- obvs., 11 ys-old now, co-starring in tarsem singh’s „the fall”. watch it, and her, if you are your own friends. kthxbai.

random things are random

februarie 17, 2009

– „(adjective X)(noun) is (adjective X)” is one of those delightful internet-gen expressions which drive me crazy, and therefore i proceed by stealing and using them. kids on the nets nowadays say „useless post is useless” or „awesome picture is awesome”. how much more retarded can you get??? and still there’s something about these ways of treating english that i find strangely appealing. maybe because it’s not my language. maybe because i love it for the very ways it can be twisted.

– i feel competitive about storytelling, i.e. i hate when people write better „25 random things” posts than mine on facebook. and because mine really sucked (and sonia z’s was great, for example) i’ve decided to re-do mine undercover. pretty coward-like. anyway.

– the inordinate number of sonias i know (3) is actually surpassed by the inordinate number of iulias i know (3 important ones, with clusterlets of less so.) also i like to imagine that if my mum knew i was going to get born in july, she would have named me iulia.

– yep, i was born at 7 months. lived in the incubator for coupla days (didn’t i tell you this? i was 45 cm long and 1, 900 kg or smth)

– i am crazy for kids. ages i get along with best: below 10, 16-20, late thirties+.

– i’m good at doing repetitive, mind-numbing tasks. which has led some people to believe i am hard-working (seriously!) and might have led me to believe i am patient. (that fact of how illogical i am does not deserve a separate line) anyway, in grade school i used to do cross-stitching and copy portraits from pictures and albums like a maniac. i think that gives some insight into my „writing style”.

– as a child, i was the worst possible for falling asleep. a bit of paranoia , i guess, and also i truly did not want to miss a thing. except when i was awake i was getting pretty bored most of the time. the amazing part is how i still take pride in not sleeping a lot and/or sleeping at weird hours. (e.g. last night i slept between 3:45 and 5. how this is supposed to make me a more interesting person, beats me.)

– other random things i take ‘inordinate’ pride in: my small hands, my good memory (esp for birthdays – it never grows old!!!), my nice useless handwriting, having taught myself how to read at age 3, being blunt, being eastern-european (in canada; if i go back i’ll take pride in having lived in ‘the west’ – don’tcha know it!), having hitchhiked to work for two years, doing a blue-collar job, actually having physical staying power despite appearances.

– i have a theory about odd years in my life being…odd, and even ones being good for getting even. it kinda works, too, if you consider everything is relative.

– i’ve practically stopped watching movies and listening to new music in canada. i used to at least watch a lot of movies and generally have the TV on all the time. and not care about US politics, i know. but the thing is, it’s not because of politics that the movies went away. and it’s not over, it will just need an effort.

– former obsessions and friends i’ve lost touch with will fade out but never diminish. try disparaging ‘nirvana’, or …i dunno, bizarre things: ‘forsyte saga’, sandi belle. cosbuc (i used to be able to recite lots by heart. where does reciting memory go?).

– i was asked about my first crush and faltered miserably. i honestly had no idea who/what it was. i liked a boy in kindergarten when i was 3. now he’s a lawyer or smth, and married and blah. (things you know if you grew up in a small town). but somehow i don’t find that significant enough for a mention…the ‘real’ first crush…no idea…

– due to my classic coping mechanism, i.e. deflecting angst by directing it at smth that is NOT the moment’s problem, i trick myself easily into not noticing what the real problem is. or having to choose between three bogus problems.

– crying once a month is sane in my books: i have not yet cried this month.(also, crying on one’s own does not count, maybe simply because why would i cry on my own??)

– things i like that everyone should be aware of (if they want to get on my good side) : long emails (from you to me), long walks, small surprises(i don’t mean gifts), a particular kind of attention, scheduling dates(even online, even if it ends up not working out), being in transit, being taken places. yay, anything that involves you making a plan that involves me and following it through.

– things i like (already classic carmen): the number 7, the color green, anything irish, tolstoi, „pleasured” by philip hensher, miranda july, tight tops with long flowing skirts, daisies and lilacs, huge coffee mugs, singing along to songs with good lyrics, competition-type reality tv, too-long-for-comfort train/coach trips, daily kos, obama whitehouse (i feel bad that i even have to put this on the list, when my whole blog is about it :)), mood playlists, words.

– ok, i’ll tell you my high-school compatibility test : a) are you blue ink or black ink? b) which one do you prefer, tolstoi or dostoievski? c) vanilla or chocolate? if you don’t match me on any, you can’t be my friend. (and i just gave away one of my answers, but that was the most obvious maybe??)

– if you walk somewhere i will walk with you until it’s awkward. but i expect stuff in return. but you don’t know i do, because i don’t know what i expect. if i knew i would tell you. but i do not expect nothing. if i don’t get something i will haunt you forever:)

25 random things about me

februarie 14, 2009

so i did the facebook note that apparently all the cool kids do right about these days (fyi, sonja) and i am posting it here as a means of keeping this blog going. it is kind of lame.

y’all know what this note is, yes? cause i’m not explaining any damn thing. this is the kind of stuff i would normally do anytime anywhere, would rush to do first thing before morning coffee etc. the reason why i didn’t do it two weeks ago, though i’ve been tagged, partially eludes me…laziness…procrastination…(though i mean THIS IS PROCRASTINATION AT ITS WORST). but look, it does finally serve a purpose: things got so bad now that just by filling it i will feel like i’ve „accomplished something”. hopefully. bear with me:

1) contrary to all appearances, i am an optimist. not naive/idealist (that too, maybe) but optimist.

2)although i am very very very disorganised, and you could kill me with bureaucracy (a number of schools were almost successful with that one), making lists is actually one of my favourite activities. i suppose it’s because it involves (a) writing (b) trying to put A SENSE of order into things and (c) somehow admitting to failure of actions up to this point, since you have to stop and make a list. hm.

3)i sleep with a light on (my mum thinks i’m scared of the dark because being permanently single has left me with some sort of trauma. poor mum.)

4) i have no place i call home, therefore i find it very easy to use the word loosely in connection to hostels, hotels, other ppl’s places, any temporary abode. (like the serial cheater who believes people are too imperfect to be able to achieve a respect-worthy relationship, or smth.)

5)between ages 5 and 10 i had an imaginary (duh) alter-ego (do you even say ‘imaginary alter-ego’?? it’s absurd) who was leading a charmed life in crossover alt. universes, which i’ve recently discovered bear a striking resemblance to fan fiction systems.

6)between 18 and 19 (my first year in cluj) i had a couple of imaginary friends (boy and girl).

7) the number/range of things i would do rather than make a phonecall is unbelievable. try me!

8) it freaks me out to know that i generally make a positive first impression of people; it’s pretty usual for me to try to explain to someone that i’m crazy very soon into our acquaintance (probably means i’m attracted to them!!:))

9)last time i went on a date was 2 ys ago.aaand it was not with someone i even liked.

10)if i was asked who my hero/model in life is, i would pick my grandma, although you can’t begin to realize how incongruous this sounds.

11) if someone else displayed a childish obsession for the ‘american dream’ similar to mine, i would laugh them off SO FAST

12)i don’t think i could fall in love with someone who didn’t (a)speak good english and (b) read literature. i’m not proud of it, just sayin’.

13)i fit my horoscopes alarmingly well, although i don’t really believe in them, i’m always surprised what a typical cancerian i turn out to be.

14) i am slightly ashamed every time i have crushes on good-looking guys.

15)reading is not an interest for me, it’s an addiction. i’m not even sure anymore that i started because i like to read…when it gets so ingrained, it’s hard to see things properly. it’s the same with writing, coffee and political news (yah, pretty much the 4 things i do daily.)

16)i am not sure i comprehend the notions of ‘comfort’ and ‘fun’. but i also have difficulties with ‘duty’ and ‘principle’…worst of both worlds???

17) in canada i have discovered that i am a-sort-of-racist…i.e. as open-minded and nonjudgmental as i try to be (hah, i am very judgmental in fact!) there are prejudices that will take more than 2 ys to go away. some have to do with gender roles etc…this topic would require a way longer note…

18) i don’t believe in improvement of the individual. but because i’m not a good arguer i can let myself bamboozled into agreeing that i do.

19) (see 18) and anytime i agree with you, it may be because i don’t have the skills to prop up my own beliefs, which are the opposite of yours. i am very submissive just so i can remain stubborn.

20)i believe greyhound is the most awesome way to travel. (i’ll refer you back to where i said comfort and fun don’t mean much to me.)

21) i hate starting out with expectations. for example, every time someone’s promised me „great people-watching” opportunities in a new city i wanted to bash their heads in.

22) wow, this goes much faster than i thought it would. I HATE ENDINGS.

23)ooops, almost missed this one: i believe there are a number of women (‘out there’) who could convince me to have sex with them, just because i’m in awe of them. this reflects my general attitude re: sex (which is a pretty sick one), and not at all desire, i don’t think.

24)if i had grown up a male in north america, i would’ve probably been charged with abuse by this time. by which i mean i am physically violent, when i know i can get away with it.

25) i have considered suicide one time in my life, and as i remember i realized real quick that i didn’t truly want to do it.

** hah, i welcome questions. or not? i’m not sure. i would like to hope there are a few new things in here for each of you. i’m squirming a bit. not much.

storytelling festival

februarie 13, 2009

so i went to see what it was about, and it was nice. it still seems strange to me, this idea of telling stories in such a frame, but hey it’s the west coast of north america, wtf. and a lesson is to enjoy anything, or the available-for-enjoyment bits of anything you get. anyway: the story about this storytelling night is going to be that it cost 20 bucks. well i kindof expected it wouldn’t be free, right? and neither was i very very indignant at the thought of – hey, it’s 1/45 of my fucking monthly wages, right? ultimately it was funny, just knowing that once i’ve decided i want to do something, i will never change my mind on account of the cost. but i still feel free to carp about it. the moral of this short story, for anyone who still comes here (passed along with the slightly nonrelated insights that a) i’ve been having bad stupid dreams for 4 nights/days in a row, and b) i’m leaving soon for a class where we’ll talk about fucking storytelling, so how can it not bug me?!?!) is: my dear lovely people –

– in this time and place, storytelling is not for free.

so i’ll take a bow, and clamp my mouth shut because asking if you got the message would fucking ruin the performance. ooops.