ianuarie 31, 2009

it is again time to be very sad. there we go. i don’t even have anything by way of explanation. it felt pretty good, and now it doesn’t anymore. ok? and you never, ever, get to believe that it will go away and everything will be fine again. because, how do you know that? just because it happened last time? and how long did that last? ah. exactly.

well it’s not as i’m i’m leaving innumerable unconsoled readers behind.

why keep in touch?

ianuarie 29, 2009

i’m reading this : http://www.sheilaheti.net/whygoout.html

while listening to last.fm and redrafting my redrafting (IT’S STILL LAME!!!) for which i’ve found non-official readers, so now all i have to do is write it.  (i hope whoever reads this has by this time clicked on sheila heti’s piece; really people, these are the rules.)

the answer is (shrug, d’oh) all i am mentally consuming, and apparently producing, is happening due to these other people. addiction : i want the bits i get, and i apparently want  – or choose? – the not getting of the bits i’m not getting.

also, i’m sticking with you just in case you finally take over the world.

now that you’ve solved my existential problems (you know you have) do you feel better? here’s a song : http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=WOt15JsLloU

president obama,

ianuarie 21, 2009

may the disenchantment be not quick, not deep, not tragic.


ianuarie 19, 2009

this is a bit too much. i don’t think i can do a proper blog right now.

january (not a favourite with me) is always about regurgitating defeat and re-closing (my) eyes to evidence, and mustering the needed optimism to drag on. (in other words, hope for change or somesuch). i mean, not very epic. and all in my head, and all the same. so, i mean, why?

ok, these days: trying to finish draft (= redigesting 2004-07. not pretty.); trying to write a story placed in 1990 (= sandi belle and cotton underwear and factories. not pretty at all. plus i’m probably not finishing it in time, as i see; plus, i am on a total arrogance down); having insane chat conversations with my ‘male friends’ (=insane). not managing to actually meet and talk to ANY vancouver person, although plans are being made furiously, and ineffectively. reconnecting through facebook with totally unexpected ‘lost’ people, who…i mean, i don’t know. i don’t. i might be taking facebook too seriously (= college years. totally did not need to be reminded of THAT.). also, inauguration inauguration inauguration, there!

thanks god for : a) the weather (i guess? in cluj i would be dead); b) deciding things, and my track, for me (this is intended to be an ironic statement); c) my being aware that crying on new year’s day DOES NOT trump being bitten by a dog on new year’s day (i.e. i’ve had it worse).


things i did/saw in san francisco

ianuarie 1, 2009

k, here’s for a short list of SF niceties, to celebrate the end of this wishy-washy year:
– sunlight: i was simply standing with my eyes closed and my face turned up, absorbing the sun. of course, magnolias and lemon trees and bushes of anonymous colorful plants, and palms all come with the territory. i do see the point now of people having their winter holidays in warm places!!! i called it ‘recharge’.

– city lights bookstore: i was expecting something much more flashy and crowded with tourists. not that it wasn’t flashy, but it kept a degree of decency well. and the jk alley.

– chinatown at night. absolutely ridiculous. even nicer when you realize that ‘night’ is only 6 p.m., so all the stores are still open and crawling with tourists.

– a homeless-looking person approaches me after dark on columbus, and i probably flinch, or smth. though i don’t mean to, duh. and he says, „clueless! you’re wearing a stupid hat and a stupid bag and you are clueless!” i laugh and say, „you have no idea how right you are”. and i take my hat off. and the following days (i have a fever all through) i walk hatless. and i buy a new bag.

– the beanbags at my hostel, the theater (our receptionist recommended ‘sicko’ as being the lightest docummentary they had in stock – and he was so right), the lounge (reading fareed zakharia – i knooow! – and a ‘paper’ ‘onion’; the breakfasts- esp. waking up before the cream cheese was out. top bunk. there! (feeling very young on account of ‘living’ in a hostel?)

– sales on clothes – apart for the madness, i found a new favourite : crossroads trading. i actually checked, and they have stores in seattle and portland too, so, extra reason to visit seattle. i half-mean it!

– gallery sightseeing. i’m not good at it, not being artsy, but for god’s sake i was staying on a street full of them: you went out of the hostel and towards union square, you’d pass by about 20 galleries. same at the fisherman’s wharf.

-SFMOMA: seen from the yerba buena gardens, and then the top floors, yay. story: a palestinian artist asked other palestinians who live in various places in the world but are forbidden to go ‘home’: „if i could do anything for you in palestine, what would it be?” – and then went and did those things, and put together a project showing it. ok, i’ve got more stories like this one.

– yoshimoto nara postcards. just because.

– running downhill, laughing like crazy. multiple times.

-the graffitti on valencia – more than those in haight, probably. (hmmm, i still have to come to terms with the haight that i saw. dunno.)

– on market street, there’s a wall with a slogan which i used to see every time i passed, from the bus: half of it says „love will solve all your problems”, the other, upside down as a reflection of the first half, says „love will always let you down”. the day before leaving i realized it was the last time i was seeing that wall, that slogan. that i was missing san francisco already.

– berkeley – the endearing lukas-eliot-ness of it, on a very very warm, t-shirt weather, morning.

– music in the street: a couple of kids under 10, i guess, playing drums at the corner of market&6th; a dreadlocked guy playing/singing an obama song on bottles and cans, corner of union square. guitar players practically everywhere.

– there is a post office in macy’s basement!!! macy’s is an absolutely self-sufficient fortress. HOW??

– sunday market at the civic center

– sitting (unexpectedly, duh) through the first 10 minutes of mass on sunday 28 at st patrick’s cathedral. i even sang kyrie eleison or smth. man, those people can not handle their latin, even when they read the responses. i had kind of wondered how that went…not well.

– ‘san francisco’ t-shirts at 1.88 dollars each. they should really pay people to take them!:) and, a pier 39 store called ‘making history’ – i am not kidding – full of obama merchandise. in the shop window, a lifesize cardboard obama wearing a t-shirt that reads ‘i ❤ michelle obama’! (should i mention that i never NEVER talked about obama on this trip?! never.)

– people approaching me with „you must be european. and this is a compliment”.

– the guy at valencia 826 found a way around a cliche: „good morning! and how are you today, on a scale of 1 to 10?”

i was an 8.5.