panic

sudden feeling of hit bottom on a lovely day, and then you wake up at 4 a.m. and can’t go back to sleep . on the up side, it makes me feel young again, as if i had things to decide or lose. then when i look at what i’ve got, there’s really not so much – and that’s where the exciting panic, the shaker-breaker-twister-summer cleaning stuff stops, and the new undertone creeps in, and any new undertone, by way of it being the unknown, untested, brings pure fear in the mix. that’s it.

so i looked around, at the objects i have. (yep, happens every time: inventorying.) and except for a huge collection of glass jars and plastic cups of various sizes, not really anything i’ve accumulated in one year – if you exclude the quantity of paper, that is, but well. not even books, people! i’ve seen nothing, NOTHING over one year in this wonderful city of vancouver BC that i want to have – and afford. just a step to the left, and it’s plain what the problem is. not the lack of nice objects on this continent, for sure. it’s the state of mind that tells me i’m not in a position where it makes sense to want or to get things – not even the smallest, not even the precious.

increasingly i’m thinking i’m upping the stakes, now for a simple easy cleanup i will have to evacuate this space. so what is there to show for a year? what will anyone with expectations to share expect of me in july, if they want to see me. 20 pounds fatter, all my clothes worn and slimey with 2 continents, my mind clogged with the same naivete, and no new certitudes to preach; also, the schizophrenia of how i act when i’m around people (canadians) as opposed to the hours and hours and hours i’ve been here pondering – or non-pondering things. but no souvenirs, no fashions or trends, no whiff of superiority or of knowledge; what is it, then?? what am i supposed to bring you?

and of course – of course! who the hell are you, any more? who am i?

sylvia plath, in a letter – quoted from a „bio of a bio” about her, terribly confusing/ if good/ stuff: „Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything it is because we are dangerously near to wanting nothing.”

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