feel-good

ok, first of all i’m about 3 entries (and a lot of other more important things) behind, but that’s because i’m supposed to be pretty busy (it’s not materializing as yet, but we hope it will) and also because at some point between saturday night and tonight i had some sort of a breakdown of some kind…this concept is (i know) a) totally un-hopeful and whimsical, b) totally uncanadian, c) totally useless since i’ve got no one here to discuss it with, and, weirdly d) totally out of tune, i discover, with the tone of this blog. actually, this blog was not started as antidepressant or smth, therefore i have no idea how i’m just coming to the conclusion that – without parsing/consciously repressing any stuff/news – i kinda manage to come across in these posts as someone who’s not doing badly in this world. really strange.

ah, so it’s passed. the thing. the breakdown. actually, it was just a push-button moment, correlated on the edges with cold+rain+ me being busy, i guess. and the subject-matters of my current writing. but just some little (really tiny things) that are worthier to mention than it:

1) lucia, my prodigy child, sent me a song because she keeps seeing my display images on messenger – it was ani di franco’s „hello birmingham” – i was crying when she talked to me, i kept crying after, but with the direction a bit reversed.

2) i keep going/staying for rehearsals, because it’s gorgeous to see how normal ppl can spend so many hours (like, 15 so far) on staging smth written by me. i’m getting to learn my own re-scripted play by heart ( cue eye-roll). but today i stayed bc. john cooper (the directing prof) was there, and he’s making it +++ worthwhile. of course maya and the girls look up to him like whoa, well now me too – except i’m stuck for words even with him and i feel stupid, but that’s normal. bryan (my stage prof), he’s nice too, but milder. john will call you up on bullshit everytime (and i guess in directing he needs to). i saw my piece stirring in front of my eyes, from fake-acting to ‘oooohhh…i get it now’; i got my own piece: in case you couldn’t have suspected, it’s all about control…:)…and of course, through replays, i’m trying to write totally different stuff, but can’t help taking notes from john. it gives a clearer-than-normal picture of real life patterns too, and here’s some quotes:

– qs you approach a situation with : „what do i want? how much do i want it? what stands in my way? how do i feel about it?”(these are actually used to build-up avoidant behaviour as much as aggressive, so there giulia! but all of us know this, no??? what i’m trying to say is, to see them applied in a constructed situation is chilling.)

– how to handle controlling behavior – all teachers know this as well: „save your shit. you don’t want to come out yelling, because then there’s nowhere to go”(imagine a scene made beat-by-beat, just out of push-button stuff and reactions. i’ve been told my piece is made mostly out of pauses and subtext. hell, they haven’t seen my fiction!!!.)

well as a result, i’m kinda still ashamed of the text of the play (it’s 10 pages only, ppl!), but stuff is being done with it, so yea.

3) some girls from new shoots emailed me their poems for the magazine. they’re all super smart kids, but one of the girls, i love her. she’s indian and lived in london uk for a while…i actually got totally jazzed up by the poems she sent me…go girl! the kind of quiet, fatty kid who suddenly raises her chin and smacks you down with one sentence. at the havana readings she almost didn’t read, she would ‘ve been the only one who hadn’t, and held back, but part of her wanted to be reading so bad – but then me and another cool kid – (it’s not me who’s the cool kid, they are) – almost shooed her onto the stage at the last call, and i’m not saying it to show how i’ve done a good deed, on the contrary it was my weakness, seeing myself in this girl – only she’s much tougher than i was at 18 for sure. again: i’m proud of rumnique. 

4) i’m actually reading this fantastic book, i’m not a huge fan of roth, though he’s somewhat…monumental or smth, larger-than-life obsession-wise, and jew stuff-wise :). but „american pastoral” is like a hammer to my head, in the good sense: here, take this, and this. after looolllliiiing through kevin baker’s 800-pager for weeeeeeks on end, this one mothafucka proves to me over and over again that there’s books, and then there’s BOOKS. ow shit. in this MFA environment it’s always good to keep reading BIG writers. in  a choice between  petty+ depressing (‘everyone, anyone can be a writer here’) and great+depressing (‘i’ll never write like this’) i fucking know which one i’ll take, as a reader.

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