not so much left

februarie 8, 2012

The Word

 Down near the bottom
 of the crossed-out list
 of things you have to do today,

 between “green thread”
 and “broccoli” you find
 that you have penciled “sunlight.”

 Resting on the page, the word
 is as beautiful, it touches you
 as if you had a friend

 and sunlight were a present
 he had sent you from some place distant
 as this morning — to cheer you up,

 and to remind you that,
 among your duties, pleasure
 is a thing,

 that also needs accomplishing
 Do you remember?
 that time and light are kinds

 of love, and love
 is no less practical
 than a coffee grinder

 or a safe spare tire?
 Tomorrow you may be utterly
 without a clue

 but today you get a telegram,
 from the heart in exile
 proclaiming that the kingdom

 still exists,
 the king and queen alive,
 still speaking to their children,

 - to any one among them
 who can find the time,
 to sit out in the sun and listen.

– Tony Hoagland<a


the year of living.

februarie 2, 2012

WHAT THE LIVING DO
by Marie Howe

Johnny, the kitchen sink has been clogged for days, some utensil probably fell down there.
And the Drano won’t work but smells dangerous, and the crusty dishes have piled up

waiting for the plumber I still haven’t called. This is the everyday we spoke of.
It’s winter again: the sky’s a deep, headstrong blue, and the sunlight pours through

the open living-room windows because the heat’s on too high in here and I can’t turn it off.
For weeks now, driving, or dropping a bag of groceries in the street, the bag breaking,

I’ve been thinking: This is what the living do. And yesterday, hurrying along those
wobbly bricks in the Cambridge sidewalk, spilling my coffee down my wrist and sleeve,

I thought it again, and again later, when buying a hairbrush: This is it.
Parking. Slamming the car door shut in the cold. What you called that yearning.

What you finally gave up. We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want
whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss–we want more and more and then more of it.

But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window glass,
say, the window of the corner video store, and I’m gripped by a cherishing so deep

for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I’m speechless:
I am living. I remember you.


and rain falls on us

iulie 22, 2011

it’s been crazy hot for probably one full week now. it doesn’t look too impressive when you just seew the official temperature – but when you factor in the humidity…oh boy. i’d say generally over 25 is already hard to bear (“feels like” at least low 30s). today we had 34, feels like 45. just for the users of the other system: 34 is 93F, so there. i got a tan within 3 days, jusat from going to work in the morning (by metro and bus) and back in the afternoon, i.e. 15-20 minutes of exposure.

i’ve been sleeping little and at crazy times lately, partly the heat partly just painting tables/swapping lifestories/writing to the landlords with the roomie. last night culminated in me being woken up at 3 am by an animal (racoon? i guess) in the garbage below my window, and not being able to sleep again because of the heat. so today after my shift was done i simply collapsed…uh, almost. i can’t stand the AC, but even with just the fan on i feel i can’t breathe properly. a painful but necessary 2 hour nap. afterwards, around 10 pm, we were in the kitchen spraying ourselves with the water spritzer for the plants. drinking smoothies with big ice cubes. and then the rain started.

(off topic): last night i went with a friend to see the fireworks from the jacques cartier bridge. there are certain things that every self-respecting montrealais “should” do in the summertime – fireworks is one. others are maybe one jazz festival night, one “juste pour rire”, an ethnic festival on jean drapeau, la ronde, picnic in the park, going off to a lake, … so i was feeling righteous, i.e. look, i can cross this thing off my summer list.

and then this other thing happens that just explodes my list altogether. rain. summer rain in the dark, and no one to frown on us for going out to dance in it. a celebration. its own festival. we ran, in flip-flops and cotton dress, skirt and top, under the pouring relief. the anarchists across the street were out too, shirtless. our neighbour isabelle was on her balcony: she came and joined us just enough to get all wet, and for a happy hug. then we walked towards laurier, through the ruelles. occasional people cheering from their balconies. it was so cheerful and liberating and the most natural thing in the world. then the rain stopped all of a sudden, and now it’s almost as hot as before.


uh, update

mai 25, 2011

two of my main concerns lately: i can`t get back to writing `properly` – mmm, literarily; and i can`t really blog i.e. say what is going on, even if i want to. so out of these combined, resulted a hybrid that`s sort of a semi-poem. i shrug and post it:

end of may 2011 -

here`s the poem i owe you/ i thought about rhyming, but it’s more important/to get it out any old way: /to each, their own priorities.

it’s rainy, still raining; my cherry red/rubber boots march past armies of tulips/no time to go swimming at the local pool/i compensate by walking lots, and eat my vegetables.

my new room faces north, a backyard/of spiralled stairs. far from the metro/but it’s big, cheap, the roommate is tidy. /i furnished it all from the streets.

i haven’t been to parc jarry lately/some lost things glow in my head like dead stars/i took up coffee again – at 8 a.m./i sip my first cup in the kitchen/ working hard on not feeling guilty.

there.


…so what happened was…

martie 8, 2011

no, you’re not getting the break-up story here, sorry. it’s a one-on-one exclusive. i know it’s me – carmen (eyeroll) – so i’m supposed to be blabbing about the sacredest stuff, mais quand même! instead i can tell you about the funny things that happened after.

i am trying to get the things right this time. (and because of this, i’m sometimes remembering all the other times or non-times with rage. so many wasted years because of no closure.) it’s still incredible for me how guilty i feel of my own unhappiness, to the extent where i feel compelled to report it to the entire world. after 2 weeks, it reached facebook status status. so things can only calm down from here on.

but i did the right things, and the cliche things. i talked to friends who are chat/skype/phone-accessible, i asked for and received good advice. that helped, just being fascinated again by how complex relationship things are. i am still acting a bit detached, as if it’s an experiment in recovery.

i drank a bottle of wine alone in the dark one night, ate a whole icecream container another night (ah, while watching ‘american idol’, forgot to mention). the only thing i didn’t feel like doing much was buying stuff. or getting out of the house. which is also not entirely abnormal if you consider my paycheck or the weather lately. so the official version is that i’m…dealing with it.

now about this dealing: i just want to know when it’s going to be over. i want to make a list, a plan of action, to set deadlines. i mean that is what i did. i was so feverish and irritated the first 2-3 days after: waste of time, i kept mumbling to myself. this is what these days/weeks/months are.

they say i have to say hi to the cute guy at the bus stop. butt into someone’s peaceful reading at the library. attend social events. activate my network. yeah, when it feels alright to do that, i will. i don’t think i’m passing up opportunities that were designed for me. i don’t want to be desperate. i want to be ok on my own.

there was a suicide on the metro line last week – i wasn’t on the metro that hit the person, but my roommate was. she was pretty shaken. i was just annoyed about the metro being blocked, although when you hear “un accident sur la ligne orange cause une interruption de service” as opposed to ralentissement du service, you kind of know what it means. but i didn’t let myself think of it until cynthia told me.

and it’s the cold, the too-late cold that gets into the bones to the core.

also, i returned home last night and because it was freezing indoors and sinister i was planning to cook with the radio on. i looked for my headphones to hook up my cellphone and i realized that d. had taken them by mistake and left his own, which i have no use for. i can’t explain better, but the impossibility of playing top40 music and hearing distinct québécois voices RIGHT THAT INSTANT was a pretty big hit to my mood. the silence was so creepy and absurd – then i realized why. cynthia’s perruche was dead, stiff on the bottom of his cage.

we don’t know how he died. sudden heart attack is one version. i panicked a bit and called cyn…then i packed the body and took it out. somehow i fell asleep reading feministe. in the morning the snow was covering a quarter of my tall window, and kept coming down with the blizzard. i sat down at the table with coffee in the birdless livingroom. 7 am. and i had a good cry.

now it`s all going to be better.


gimme sympathy

ianuarie 24, 2011

this whole year started with semi-nostalgia and  retold stories, or continued from thereon. the story of this song is (facebook got me started!!!! sorry!!): i was listening to it last summer. last summer i was taking the metro ‘direction montmorency’ with my hair still wet in a scarf, with the afternoon already tapering into evening, humming “come on baby play me something/like here comes the sun”. that’s all the lyrics i knew of it, except for the beatles and the rolling stones part.  i thought the song was called “here comes the sun”. and then d. laughed at me because he says metric is a hipster band and because at one point she sings “seriously”, which i hadn’t noticed, although “seriously” is one of my most noticeable verbal tics.

today is one of the coldest days so far, like -23, feels like -30ish because of the wind. still, the sun was brilliant. i just went out for groceries and my face froze. so. quickly. and in my headphones, on the radio? here comes the sun. seriously… and i’m thinking overthinking until my brain chokes on it.

i wanted to start a new blog, or at least revamp this one, because i don’t necessarily feel like writing to the world in general about how i’m cooking marinated chicken and baked rice, and how i’m agonizing over the decision of taking russian classes and how i must get to quebec city soon! and to goddamn toronto. or other things that i don’t want to write about anyway. so i planned something a tad more impersonal (or less immediately personal): my travelogue/ cultural gap anecdotes collection. i would call it “planet awkward”, after an idea my friend lora and i had 2 years + ago.

but then, oh then:

i miss my old friends.

i want them to still love me and i need their good opinion and i insanely want to be able and spend 1000$ on a ticket just to sit down with them in a cafe or teahouse. (flowers. aux anges. bulgakov. zorki. show me the new ones. i’ll take you to le general. or even better, at your place. cause i don’t have one.) and ask them to just…tell me. everything they can.

i’ve been stupid to think i could make it work. i’m stupid like this every time i leave a place. every time i am left behind and i’m left clinging. i never forget though. i don’t know what i did. but today i just want you YOU  to say it’s alright. (basically say i’m alright, but you know it.)

my old friends from back-in-the-old-country are the reason this blog exists in the first place and why at some points i kept trying. i’m wondering at which point letting go is the sane option, and probably just being afraid that nothing good can start from scratch again. i want all of my life to be real, and meant.

 

 


christmas things

decembrie 30, 2010

there are the enormous spheres at place des arts. with music around them, no joke. my own photos are a bit better than this one, but far from conveying the joy of it.

http://fr.canoe.ca/divertissement/arts-scene/nouvelles/2010/12/16/quartier300.jpg

there are the lights at berri-uqam, placed in sort-of-buckets in the snow, in rows. you can light them by walking between the buckets, you can light them by pedalling on one of the bixi bikes there. this is the surest funnest way of getting feeling back into your feet after a 15′ walk downtown.

uh, there were the fireworks in the vieux port, which we missed, but i’m going to try to pass by on new year’s, depending on whatever else happens.

and christmas in the park! a small park by st-joseph/st laurent, by the church. there was a fire, mulled wine in a kiosk, a big swing, and there were sheep in a …sheep shelter thing. and hip-hop quebecois. it felt a bit weird, but yes warm and strangely touching. but that’s me: the balance of loneliness and togetherness is totally out of whack for me these days.


icitte au quebec y fait pas froid, y fait frette

decembrie 11, 2010

…not really. i mean it was cold, it was – 16 at one point, but i couldn’t really feel it. all this week i was experimenting with the following important aspects:

- leather coat vs. winter coat. ok, so i switched to the winter coat. advantage, i can wear just one normal sweater under it, instead of having to put on 3 layers. while outside, i walk like a penguin, but who cares.

- nice boots ( suede-y, okay?) that i was wearing every day and with everything, vs. chunky, pretty old boots that i’ve had ever since cluj. i’m still wearing the nice ones, hoping i can wash the salt lines out – and keeping the more serious ones for more serious times.

- leg warmers!!! now this is for real. (do you remember the poor blue things i bought one winter 5 ys ago? that was acknowledged pretence. fingerless gloves to mimic…cuteness, and a bright blue stocking layer to showcase my shins. they were also meant to make me into someone else. i’ve kept believing in magic for very long.) but my current leg warmers were with me in the storm, to help keep knee-high snow out of my jeans. what more could one wish for from a garment?

i’m giving you some music because this is boring:

what was i saying?:)

ah. woolly socks. double socks. everything in bright colours, because – true facts – this helps warm you up. it’s the same trick as nice-lingerie-makes-you-feel-sexy-even-if-no-one-sees-it.

yes, so i was talking about cold and i get to lingerie. c’est comme ca l’hiver dans la ville que j’aime.

 


filler: snow magic, or smth

decembrie 7, 2010

god am i bad at titles.

it’s december! and it’s snowing! and it’s been snowing for a long long (all day today) while. and while i’ve been a bit absent-minded/panicky/ hide-my-head-in-the-sand…mmm in the book or under the blanket…lately, a snowstorm is apparently what it takes to make me perk up. i put on my tights, new skirt (!!!), woolly red socks, extra-long fluffy scarf, weird hat…and went out into the night. yah it was almost 4 pm already. and i bought stuff to cook, then i came home and cooked it. radio ‘c’est quoi’ (which in my mind still spells ‘sequoia’) provided mainstream quebec tunes for the atmosphere (like, for example, ‘the only girl in the world’, and ‘raise your glass’, but who am i to complain?). so: my chicken did not end up burnt, my potatoes are edible! cynthia came home and ate. while i was trundling through the snow to school! and now the wind is making sinister noises at my window! i’m in bed – in a room, a laptop in my lap, chicken+etc in my belly, and an almost clear conscience. and i get to sleep in tomorrow, and pray that they’ll clean the roads.

but anyway, it’s a bit depressing, trying to make your end-of-year non-depressing. up until a few days ago i would’ve called this year a fluffy success. then, i don’t know: the time of reckoning came. and i’m kind of empty-handed.

so, carmen, what did you do this year?

mmm i moved from a serving job to a dishwashing one; i didn’t get to visit my family; what, i can’t do very many things at once. i can’t even maintain a blog properly. what do you mean “write?”,  since when am i supposed to be able to write? i’m just a teeny-weeny 30 year old…oh damn.

but i mean, okay. the initial idea was to attempt positivity. here are good things that i did this year – or that happened to me while i was sitting around doing nothing, as god preordained:

i moved to a city i love, and where i feel i can live for good. i was happy more than unhappy, and very very extra super happy at some points. i fell in love. i improved my french. (am i mentioning russian here? you betcha!) i started learning russian, and it’s fun. my room has A WINDOW FACING EAST. i started getting dressier, which, considering my former standards, is a low bar, but still: dresses! skirts! medium heels! i got a cellphone, and am overusing it!! i quit drinking coffee regularly. i started eating fresh veggies almost every day. also: i went through almost the entire year without formulating a dieting project. i can now cook a wholesome meal, though it would be mostly based on ideas stolen from other ppl anyway. i have a decent-sized collage on my wall, of postcards from friends (keep them coming!).

my view of the world shifted a bit again. i think this is good. but while montreal is my magic city, i think i’m still open to leaving. i got what i wanted, now i may not cling to it. i don’t know if this is good or not.

enfin, there are plans. there’d better be, as well, because as i was saying: nothing actually got done. but nothing got killed in the process either. (oh i miss vancouver. it’s hard to talk about it.)

 

 


montreal by night (2): earlier this summer

august 14, 2010

the “farine five roses” red sign, visible from a lot of points at night, if one knows to look for it. but i saw it close, from next to the river, on top of the flour factory it belongs to. i’d had no idea what it was before, just that i’d seen it printed on montreal t-shirts. it looks pretty surreal anywhere.

top of mont-royal at midnight: full of people on the lit terrace. taking in the centre ville, spotting the important buildings by their lights. yes there’s the farine five roses. and then, further on from the terrace, there’s the forest. dark and real, like only the forests in bucovina had been when i was on holiday in a cabin in another lifetime. but then how often does one get to wander in the woods at night? close to the big cross, and sitting on the grass, and it’s absolutely full of mosquitoes. it’s also the hottest day/night of the year, so they’re going crazy. oh-kay, chalk this down to experience. and catch the last bus back, cause otherwise. the bus, 11 montagne, really has one of the greatest routes ever. moving side by side with the shining lights. and it’s empty. i put my head out through the open window,in the breeze, but i didn’t sing – just smiled.

animals – apart from the raton laveur on top of mont-royal, who showed his pretty bandit face for a full 10 seconds there – curious? unconcerned?. here’s a truth that i feel the people on my street (who sleep at night) are happier not knowing: we have a skunk living somewhere around. he moves under different porches every night, edging closer to my house i’m afraid. a flash of black, or white, and look – this cute beast just scrounging for a living like the rest of us. the aura of his reputation making us rush to cross.

the night before july 1st, moving day, people are up hunting for abandoned furniture. my roommate hired a car and got two friends and they were driving around the plateau with stops in key points. from outside this bustle, it still seems frantic, exciting, young. she came back about midnight with two chairs and left again. on our walk back along marie-anne, then messier, me and d. just ogled clutters of desks, mirrors, shelves, lamps – not very many , but enough to mark the day as out of the usual. the city playing musical chairs.

one night i read some poems under a streetlamp, for my audience of 1. it had been raining, there was fresh smell of flowers. the spot was pretty secluded, by a wall, a passage between two not even big streets. three kids passed by with a ball, stopped a little and kicked it then went on. i heard my reading voice, with the quiver of anger in it, wondered whether it would translate, and went on. one of my poems i still liked.

dark by the river close to metro stop henri bourassa, i.e. ‘as far away as possible’. it looks like a different city, with different-styled houses, lawns, privacy. i’m told it looks like west montreal. but the park is still good, water swirling below the branches. that’s what i love about parks: the trees are trees, the alleys are alleys, the grass is neither anglo nor franco.

more festivals: the “juste pour rire” show downtown, with its giant puppets and its cinderella story: the love between a huge pink balloon (princess rose – the size of a house, floating majestically through the crowd) and a smaller green ballon (prince victor, who arrives on stage in a carriage the shape of a very pretty and colorful high-heeled shoe). all assorted with indian dancing, skeletons, michael jackson and an impressive acrobatic number – angels unfurling our of UFO-looking pods, and raining confetti and feathers on people’s heads. plus there was a full moon that night.

soccer games in parks. ok, so i watched only 2, but this is 2 more than i’ve ever watched in my entire adult life before, so there. also: during the first game, in park mont-royal a ways before midnight, i might have been smoking up – under a tree, in the rain, close to the soccer field. everything seemed hilarious, of course: the ants climbing my hand,my new umbrella, the focus of the players and the fact that there were people watching them on the sidelines. the second game, two weeks later, felt like another lifetime: sober, late, a bit hardened – i was cheering for the hometeam. they won.

watching the stars in parc jarry. i know no constellations. to me they all shine very distant, cold but kindly. in the middle of an open field, the grass is wet with dew and i shiver lying back on a coat and not wanting to leave ever. it’s like a mix between my childhood and a cult indie movie, i think, in this tumble of dirt and brightness and invisible grass stains. some things stay with me like a remembered shiver – some things were always there, and come out now,twinkling.


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