something borrowed, something blue

1. cynthia has a blue sofa, in the livingroom space, right under a narrow window. i always think of it as primarily “why we could possibly entertain the idea of having guests over”, i.e. the place is tiny but that is where i’d sleep if i had to give my bed to someone. it’s a short sofa, a two-seat, but satisfyingly soft and has big arms so i’m sure something can be done about that, with the help of a pillow and a couple of blankets. anyway, i’ve pretty much taken over the sofa, i.e. when i’m not in my room i’m there (err, it’s literally a two steps’ distance, but okay) with my laptop or my current book or the annoying weekly “voir”. you like the sofa?, cynthia said – i got it from someone for free.

it’s probably pretty old, not battered really, but well-worn, in a good way. there’s a splash of droplets of …glue, i suspect, down the back. the color is intense and at the same time sort of warm/calm. hey maybe it’s turquoise really, not pure blue anyway, and it’s not like i’m an expert in these things. my story about this sofa is that i’m painting it.

i.e. i’m making a picture/painting of ‘our’ blue sofa. cynthia had canvas and colors, and she paints, so whatever. we started this painting session thing together at some point last month, and i’m three or four sittings in, so now, in a very post-anything gesture, we hung the not-really-finished painting on the wall above the sofa. i do like it. i like having to mix my blue with a bit of yellow (i told you maybe it was turquoise? no??) and i get color all over myself. there are lots of thoughts i’m letting myself drift into while at it : about art vs. copying vs. whatever; how we choose our subjects; how my drawing/painting parallels my writing process. how in my picture it’s a sunny day, with the sofa empty, light washing through the window and the leaves of a plant suspended above it, luminous almost fluorescent. how it looked like that almost from the first, with only tiny details adding up…and i still don’t know what more to do to actually get it finished.

2. i saw a blue bag in a shop window and wanted it for about three weeks before i bought it. for people who don’t know, i used to buy my bags from secondhands, or just ‘get them’ from people, that kind of hand-me-downs. i have used a lot of bags in my time (necessarily big to fit all my books and manuscripts and papers and occasional forza flakes:) and kilos of apples or, sometimes fatally, yogurts etc. yay teaching, and yay being an essential migrant once i’m out of the door) but i think only one was a serious/bought new bag that i liked. and i bought it on a shopping trip with my mum, so it doesn’t even matter.

anyway – i’m not a backpack person, i can’t make it work. maybe it’s the traditional in me, =/or some subconscious wish to imitate mum well, at least in this one tiny aspect. handbag, medium to big pretty classic looking, medium length handles, zippers, compartments. all i have for excitement in the bag department is color.

this one is a FaFa bag. i mean i couldn’t care less about brands and stuff, but it’s probably an improvement from chinese store merchandise on comm. drive – yes? no? i window-shopped so much within my first month in montreal, when i had no place-job-money…i saw it in a store by the metro peel entrance, in les cours mont-royal, and it was on sales or something. 40 bucks. i do ocasionally spend money on objects-that-are-not-food, but the predominant thought was, why? it was just so random. just something beautiful, but not even extravagant enough, staring back at my greed and my lack of decision-making skills.

i bought it out of my first big paycheck. it was a sunny day off, with nothing special to do. i brought it home and hung it on the handle to my closet door. you know, “i have a real bag now” – as if it’s a step towards having real pants, interview clothes, a real job, a personal dentist, an esthethicienne, holidays skiing somewhere, going out for dinner at least once a week. no i don’t feel (i still don’t feel) i’m missing out on anything, but sometimes i just get so tired to count/calculate every damn cenne.

but since i still have to count my money (daily; automatically), i’ve introduced the “blue bag unit”: my normal work over schedule/week = 0,5 blue bag; or: now i earn 7 or 8 more blue bags/month than i was in vancouver; my tax return money = 6 blue bags. i would pay 1,5 blue bag for a dress this summer, but that’s as far as i’d go.

weather report (4 seasons in one week)

people: this city is craaaazy.

so i wake up on tuesday, right? april 27. i’d worked the previous night, and walked home from mont-royal, pleasant spring weather/normal if a bit windy. hahaha i look on the window and do a double-triple take. SNOW coming down like apocalypse, nah not really: snow just coming down gently, steadily, like the most natural thing in the world. it had been falling for some time, okay it was noon, lay off my sleeping patterns, and settled down in a pretty serious way. i think i screamed. cynthia was home bc she’d canceled her morning appointment, so we just moped around the house having late brunch and whining about global warming. then she went out to work, it was my day off so i went to the buanderie (for me the buanderie-frequenting is a solid weekly ritual wherein i  catch up on women’s mags in french and chat in french with the soap lady about how i STILL don’t know how to use the machines). surprise, it wasn’t really cold. i mean what do i know, it has to be sort-of-cold for the snow to not melt, right? but the whole thing looked somehow cheerful in its ridiculousness. in the evening cynthia came home, got herself some movies and chocolate and refused to leave the house again, so i went out alone to see a tiny music show. (it was a stalking job: i’m trying to convince this serbian-russian girl ksenija to become my friend. sssh.) in the dark, and still snowing, it looked a bit like a storm – windier than daytime, and especially from inside of a ‘bulgakov’-like bar, with ginger cinnamon tea, listening to voices+guitar. also it got slushy and annoying as i returned home and it must have kept going waaay into the night.

fast-forward through the week, the next day the snow was almost gone except some patches in the shade, and 15 degrees and sunny. back to sunglasses and dresses, then yesterday a very sudden, brief and energetic rain, summer-like. then today i did absolutely nothing (but made 2 phonecalls) because i was free and we had food (yesterday i cooked my first chicken! and i got a dedication from cynthia on the radio, on “whadaya want from me”- “elle tripe sur adam, le chanteur” she told her DJ friend, and i squealed to confirm). anyway, today. so in the evening i thought i’d go out for a walk and because i knew it was warm i thought i’d change from my leather jacket to the lighter one. hahahaha so i got out in t-shirt+jacket and you don’t even know how quickly i got back inside. IT IS LIKE A SAUNA. ok, 27 degrees, yahoo says, but fuck that, it’s humid and it was hard to breathe. ok, back out in a tank top, and after about half an hour, i.e. at 8.30 it actually became bearable, then pleasant. right now i’m inside on the sofa but i can see the people downstairs sitting on their balcony with candles/drinks. if i go into my room i can even hear them, and i’m under the distinct impression that they’re having a heart-to-heart, so there. (i. on the other hand, am a bit pissed, bc i was trying to meet someone for lunch and due to my fucked-up daily schedule we can only make it 2 weeks from now. whatever, montreal – what-ever…)

my music 2009 (2)

18.  sam cooke – a change is gonna come : i was seriously power-walking to this along false creek in april/may, in the evenings.

19. feeling good: because i’m a good girl, i’ll fill in with the muse version. i like adam’s better though. oh what the hell

20. of montreal – requiem for o.m.m.2

21. animal collective – summertime clothes : this and the immediate following are the result of a period when i was listening to wfuv radio pretty much non-stop

22. the futureheads – the beginning of the twist : a bit of FF that i detect in here? maybe??? i wish i knew my FF better

23. pj harvey&john parish – black-hearted love : love love love pj, doesn’t even matter what she does anymore. for real

24. k’naan – ABCs: in the vein of “i like anything with a good rhythm”- in lit. it’s structure. i think

25. talib kweli – get by : a.k.a the anthem of the creative writing MFA programe at UBC (oh, and fuck vevo (

26. citizen vein – the circle : sorry for the  fanmade video, it’s the ~best thing i could find around. song is good!

27. lady gaga – poker face: rainy day at the mall. and still not shitty. shiny plastic miracle.

28. kings of leon – sex on fire : one month before adam said in an interview that this would be his entrance theme song. not that anyone has to mind me.

29. spring awakening (duncan sheik) – don’t do sadness

30. emmy the great – we almost had a baby: there was a short weird phase of uh-oh british vocalists going on here

31. adele – tired

32. adele – cold shoulder

33. la roux – bulletproof

34. elvis perkins – shampoo

35. alisan porter – the end song

this was my spring/summer. i just don’t have many words about it because i honestly don’t know or remember what i was doing, or supposed to be doing. but it ended, so.

to get this out of the way (of the real music post)

this is a collection of youtubes for my favourite adam lambert songs off his album. just because i think it’s fair to not mix this into my separate “music of 2009″ post. i am bad at defending…whatever, whatever, ok, here goes:

1. broken open (yeah i know what he said about not wanting to be political, but once you put it out there i’m sorry for you if you think you can stop this from happening. well not really.)

2. master plan (which totally shouldn’t have been a b-side dammit)

3. sleepwalker (ear.worm.sappy.ear.worm. and, some of the video i actually liked ngl)

4. sure fire winners (if i actually did power walks or morning workout)

5. fever (i love lady gaga more than i hate bad french okay)

what-actually-happened (nice things nov/dec)

- late evening at elena’s before she went to the maritimes. i passed by hers and washed her dishes, after my tutoring+french. that was a completely booked day, man! when i arrived, 9+pm, i was all soaked, that was the rainiest time of nov., before it actually got cold…i was all in arms with backpack and laptop w/ adam’s newly downloaded music…so we jammed to that and my virtual elena dance mix (it’s gonna happen!) and we tried on hats and scarves (ok she was packing) and everything was loveliness and i got so little sleeeeepppp those days…

- one culture crawl night. [explanation for non-vancouverites: there is a weekend in november every year when artists on the eastside open up their studios for visitors. in 2007 i had no idea about it, in 2008 i missed it out of lazy-ass- ness. this was my last chance to catch one.] like, nov. 20th? i love vancouver! this is such a cool thing it’s got going. the studio venues were awesome…i went with yael &birgitte, at one point it was raining sooo baddd, like, the worst night of the fall…lightning and that, which for vancouver is a rarity. also. previously at sonja’s, me getting ready for the cultural immersion carmen style, i.e. yeah, a joint? why not? and scotch? sounds quite good…huh it’s even drinkable…yay i’m getting tipsy…alright, now on to the crawl. it’s not bad of course (i mean not extreme), just kind of silly. and i sobered up real quick. most of the night spent at the parker 1000 studios, where i’d been once before, but not in a crawl crowd. watching yael interact with the artists, ogling the smallest objects of each exhibition, coveting buttons and affordable small pottery and woollen toys, not even thinking about the rest of the stuff. all in all a mess of colors and awesome snacks. (i named myself responsible w/ sampling every snack…that was a good deal)

- mmm have i ever mentioned the infamous joyland reading night? perhaps not. that was me publicizing the joyland readings just bc. my 2 favourite people-i-envy (rachel and alex) were reading. the reading itself was not as interesting as the friday night outing that…encompassed it. picture me arriving at sonja’s with the firm intention of getting drunk. wooops. now picture kevin egging me on. wonderful. and then…we went downtown, and because lora was at the reading too, there was a slight attempt of creating a “posse” …next we went to an art gallery where there was an exhibition of some sort…we ended up in a curtained-off empty room (like, a projection-type of thing, only nothing was on), me watching lora make friends with my former classmates…then actually, hilariously, having them tag along with *us* in search of a place to drink more. but it was only the 4 of us in the end, and i drank ginger ale and sulked gradually esp. after midnight because it’s fucked-up when everybody has a weekend the next day so they can’t sleep in and i don’t/can’t (remind me why friday nights are not a good idea -). but it ended up ok, i.e. i did not cry. i think i might’ve been close? what! we were talking about important things.

(the most hurtful thing anyone’s said to me this fall: “all make-up and ambition, no talent” – sonja on adam ) )

- omg dinner with john!!!finally after months and months. well he’s had a tough year, but i sure hope to catch him again before i leave. this was pre-my second showing of “after homelessness”

-!!”after homelessness”!!! david diamond’s project, with actual actors from the DTES playing a script written by themselves about homelessness and related issues. with a follow-up where the audience interacts and can steer the conflicts…so wonderful. i’ll just say that i sent 3 people to watch the play…i went twice with yael (anfd joan), i listened to a webcast, so a third time, with alex l., and it’s been different and touching every time. so i’ll…put the link up?

http://afterhomelessness.blogspot.com/

- I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS – I MIGHT BE SCARRED FOR LIFE.

but, on a 2nd thought: tommy joe ratttttlifffffff!!! you know what i mean???!?!?

http://www.afterelton.com/askmonkey/12-07-2009

- ok, last friday night, elizabeth’s concert @st augustine’s on the drive. finally. i haven’t been on the drive in the daytime in quite a while i’m realizing…duh, it gets dark at like 4.30 so by the time i’m off work, buh-bye daylight. anyway. it’s been fun. big table w/ lora and juliet and an early-days-internet friend of e’s straight from calgary. after which quite unexpectedly sonja, kevin and sean o. crashed the party. as in, really crashed the party. after they came it was all of a sudden less about the concert than about flirty written notes back and forth across the table. i mean, good fun, but uh-oh my attention span and range of interests.

that’s it.

OUT magazine issue – links to AL interview

best and at the same time most tl;dr interview i’ve ever!!! i mean, proportionally, i feel like it’s a bit like obama’s last march speech on the race issue, no disrespect to obama or to the race issue or to the gay issue or …whatever. it explained things to me, and articulated things about discrimination, barriers, evolving mentalities…and framed the personality of the ‘speaker’ in a very good manner. i do wish he would shut up sometimes, but then again, why?  i want to know what he’s got to say – and if it involves TMI, huh. okay, i am overwhelmed and have no original thoughts at this hour. but seriously! seriouslyyyyy!

part 1: http://www.out.com/detail.asp?id=26191

part 2: http://www.out.com/detail.asp?page=3&id=26192

rememberance and all that

time off for rememberance day, just enough to catch up and confirm i’m still alive. schedule change and generally preferring not to think about my life at the moment have made sure that i don’t update often…there are things going on…but now that i’m in my late evening post-nap slightly hysterical stage i.e. light-headed and pumped full of the new lady gaga video, maybe it’s not the best time for an update? well too bad.

since beginning of october i’ve been trying to place my writing time in the morning, i.e. i meet yael at ‘our town’ every day before work (7-9) and we have coffee and write…and bitch about ‘current events’ and about our own procrastination processes, and despair over the  chit-chat and idiosyncrasies of the  particular guy  sitting every damn morning in the armchair next to us  (he is kinda insane; so are we, but  hey, this is my diary not his, so shut up.)  really, this morning writing thing has been fun…for one, it makes sure i  am not late for work,because i’ve been already up and stretched and all that by the time i need to start.  secondly,  it will be good  writing material for later  on. i’m not kidding. [on one of the very first days  where the patterns were already clear: insane guy/air conditioning blowing in my face/ cranberry muffins/latte and hot chocolate art/rain -  i remembered  a diane diprima snippet i had read long long ago in the  beat reader about one whole  long winter in new york when she was  sitting in an armchair in her pad  staring at the ceiling eating only oreos.  it has that kind of vibe, when a thread exists that is not really...leading somewhere...but it's  a spider-webby  journey of its own.]

yael moved, and her new place feels good. what i liked best about going there (twice, of which one on unloading day is the sudden view of the house, the corner/lawn…maybe because it’s a corner and the place stands out, who knows the crazy connections my mind can make? but yeah. (i think i was insisting of picking my own small corner inside a nook in the living room…and my sticky note on the fridge. all these things.)

i refuse to think about moving.

halloween went by, no big fuss, thanksgiving was very good and home-y (dinner at sonia z’s, with pablo and her brother and elena – chicken instead of turkey, but the best chicken ever!!!!) and so was elena’s b’day this weekend (dance mixed tapes, three types of home-made muffins and borscht) and…i dunno, two rainy locutions…one poetry bash at the writers’ festival (carol ann duffy!!!! mild freakout pre- and  post-reading about getting to see freakin’ carol ann duffy! yael saw john irving but, oh well.) also, elizabeth had a concert at railway club which i sat through mostly chatting with lora in between acts and drinking cranberry juice, which (= the drinking of juice on a night out) i found hilarious and absolutely the way to go.

adam’s album is coming out soon and i’m glad i can legit like it. it’s been a mad ride, and great learning experience in case i ever want to do a ph d in fan communities, twitter impact, acronyms or slash fiction. otherwise, it’s taken up my evenings in a fuzzy pleasant fashion, occasionally exhilarating, for which i…ok, no comment.and there were a couple of mad mornings @6 and a night i didn’t sleep very well, when each of the singles leaked, and then again when the album snippets leaked. i…”have a lot of feelings”, okay? there are three or four songs there (or more) that i like, period. [<3 LINDA PERRY AND LADY GAGA AND ALISAN PORTER.] now i’m watching the chart climbing.

in obsession-related news: nobel peace prize = hahahaha. nobel literature prize (herta muller) =….mmmm, never heard of her? is that bad? US healthcare: wow. good luck with the senate vote, folks. US local elections: the saddest i was that night was probably about the democrats losing virginia – the maine gay marriage thing was still undecided but yeah – sad. just wait for the old generation to die and the kids to get to voting age. which again brings me to: i don’t know what’s happening in my own country. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING IN ROMANIA? HELP.

i am taking french classes and not really sure how much i’m improving. i mean on the one hand i do my devoir and that. and i attempt to speak in sentences and be a goody-two-shoes above average student. but currently being enrolled just gives me an excuse to not step up the grammar individual study (fucking using l’imparfait and the other stupid pefect simple which i seriously can’t grasp, which they have in all literary texts for narrative purposes). yes, i am disappointed w myself, but damn if i can handle it right now.

i read some amazing things. very short fiction anthology…short stories by nam le, who is awesome…a collection of feminist essays (hilarious), mostly off the batch i bought at the library book sale. also i got a pair of amazing jeans (= right now, my only pants that fit. sads.) and one of decent sunglasses at a clothing swap. and i got a leather jacket whose name is kitty. all these things have their own stories.

i’m doing alright in case you…just nothing is very deep right now. apparently i’m also avoiding talking about the NaNoWriMo project i’m writing on. it’s still just a matter of word count, of covering a lot of…space/time.

 

fun timeline

apr 29 – hand in thesis

apr 29- may 20 – moping post-thesis/ waiting for potentially interesting guy to call. (in case you’re curious about that development: he doesn’t. end of story)

may 20- rest of summer and continuing: OMG ADAM LAMBERT

ADAAAAM

(?   !    ?  !   ? yes, i know, wtf)

july 31st – start collecting papers for extension of stay in canada (realize i could send application in same day if only i had a credit card. shrug.)

aug. 5 (ok, there was the long weekend in between) – papers collected

aug 6 – send application

aug 7- fuck! application is incomplete! have to wake up early to catch human person on phone at CIC, with instruction on how to send the missing paper; afternoon =send missing paper. breathe.

aug 10-17 – early mornings try to call CIC and find out if file is complete/when they’re dealing with it; fail to engage with humans

aug 17 – human on the phone from CIC (= immigration canada) says file will take around one more month in line, as at the moment they’re just opening files arrived first week of july. “please inquire again one month from now.” same human says she doesn’t know if a work permit would allow me to work in quebec. she says call quebec and gives me a number: it’s robots!

aug 17  – half an hour later – i give notice at my job

aug 18-30 – i tell everyone (including creepy person on the bus, AEGEE friends, random chat interlocutors, regular customers and co-op neighbours) bits of my sad story.

aug 19 – plane ticket bought for cluj

aug 19-28 – bits of random packing: bunching up clothes i want to give up; tearing papers; inventorying books. making lists.

aug 20-23 – i take online quizzes to determine my points for immigration from romania to canada/quebec (i have different scores for different quizzes. at least some of them look hopeful. i need french. i need a job offer.)

aug 27 – last day at work

aug 28- morning leave for seattle

aug 30 – arrive portland

aug 31 – email from ef. telling me work permit arrived in mail

sept 1 – i want to go back to cluj and visit; but then i want to return. this is plan A. i like it.

sept 1/2 – back in vancouver; plans A through D written down neatly. work permit turns out to be for 3 YEARS! SHIT!

sept 2 – morning – phone CIC. human voice!!! realize once i leave canada i need a visa for re-entry. complicated. but visa is formality. phone quebec. the person in quebec does not know whether i’m allowed to work in quebec or not. suggests i call CIC. i’m like, forget about it! i have fun day out, all serene and shit.

sept 2 – evening – mum agrees with anything, as long as i go home ; i say i’d have to resign from sincai, she’s like ok, whatever. then suddenly : “your father’s not very happy here” BOOM

sept 2/3/4 – argue; break for sleep; argue; break for lunch; argue; break = can’t sleep; argue; break for a nap (nightmares); argue.

sept 4/5 night: sort of an ultimatum. “flip the coin” moment. i do not flip the coin. because i do not fucking need to flip a coin. ok?

sept 5 – morning – yes, i catch another human voice at CIC. human voice says yes, an open work permit allows you to work in quebec. any other questions you had? NO! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!

sept 5 – evening – write resignation email to school/send it.

sleep

eat. sleep.

walk. eat. read women’s mags. throw torn papers. sleep.

sept 8 – got shitty job back.

the future is ours.

STAY POSITIVE

= one more week of holiday. actually staycation but who cares

= no jet lag

= cancellation of all possibly teary goodbye drinks&such : replacement with non-teary non-goodbye drinks

= sonja gets to buy me the hat! yes i hereby demand the hat. hat hat hat hat hat

= writing!! readings!! writers’ festival (i get to see richard ford !!!! <3)

= montreal ’10. wait: matt in montreal ’10

preemptive freakout: how it fits in the frame

dear lovely people: i’m going to post – *just for lulz*, as my Idol forum friends would say – bits of my birth chart, which a psychic lady wrote for me and keeps linking in the emails she sends me, asking me to pay to be revealed my lucky numbers and co. i’d had it for a while, but this morning i reread it and positively LMAOed . i think it’s funny in the light of my constant 1) preoccupation with explaining myself and 2) determination to not learn from previous errors. here goes:

“Your main feature is your highly developed imagination. In your younger years you most likely lived in your own illusory world rather than reality. Touchy and vulnerable, you get distressed when others take your ideas light-mindedly and even more so if your fantasies are scoffed at. If mockery continues you withdraw into yourself and stop trusting even the closest people. At times you are wrongly accused of deception, although you are actually a lousy liar and your fibs usually have a short life. Your boundless imagination is often mistaken as deliberate lies but actually it is your defense mechanism. Your hypersensitive psyche needs protection against callous and unfeeling people. Thus, you have no other option than surrounding yourself with the mist of mystery and hiding within. Your ability to simultaneously live both in a real and illusive world may create a lot of trouble and provide a shaky ground. Your reliance on subliminal impulses often brings chaos upon you and your world. Appointed with a task, you are likely to idle along all day in expectation of the set hour, canceling every affair you could have done in the meantime, and when the time for action comes, you miss it, because you were engrossed in a conversation or failed to check whether the clock is correct.
Although you are sympathetic to the suffering of others, you are often unreliable and tend to excuse your lack of responsibility with changed circumstances. Due to your longing for clarity and harmony, you are sincere, open to compassion, sympathy and sacrifice. Yet the same features may cause you a lot of harm. Because you feel for everything that is going on around you, you may become captured in your ambience and easily fall for temptations and illusions.

Often unable to tell the reasons of your good or bad moods, you are lucky if your mates understand that there is a time for you to socialize and a time to be left alone. You are inclined to self-pity because of an inferiority complex, brood on insults (very often imagined). You are a fundamentally conservative and home-loving character, preferring quiet romantic feelings to wild passions. You are a complete introvert. With your sensitivity and need for protection and endearment, living alone is absolutely impossible for you and marriage is advisable.

At the moment of your birth the Moon was sinking beneath the horizon that reveals you as a person who badly needs moral support from other people. You must always be surrounded by relatives and friends and try to keep an excellent relationship to everyone. Without a beloved person to rely upon you feel insecure. However, the fate makes you meet delicate people whose mood changes frequently, who like travel, social activities and variety. Many of them prove to be unreliable but you can’t be too picky as loneliness remains a much more frightening option for you. Too strong an attachment to your spouse may become a barrier for a happy marriage. You tend to patronize your mate too much.

Your thrift and sober thinking can provide an example of a rational stance. Yet too much rationalism may end up in depression, as it doesn’t allow for emotions. A well-developed sense of duty and responsibility enable you to fit into rigid hierarchies. You have a bubbly eccentric nature, advanced intuition and occult talents. You are eager to learn about new ideas and inventions and spontaneously find unconventional solutions. You like extravagant and independent relationships. You have an acute instinct and psychic abilities. You are inclined to excessive idealism and sensitivity, and lack pragmatism. Music, paintings and poetry attract you.”

mmmm

on a roof

i’m going to edit this post after the party tonight, but all i want to not forget is: one of the july nights, with e. away, i was on a roof in somebody’s house drinking wine. it was probably a friday night too: things felt possible. just that. holding onto that.